A Missing Heart Page 17

Regardless of my feelings or possible lack thereof, I asked Tori to marry me. I told her I wanted to get married right away and put the rest of our worries on hold. I convinced her that everything would fall into place.

  The questioning feeling I had about our relationship seeped away after we got married. Instead, it got worse. It was no longer a question I was asking myself. I was sure things were only going downhill, but I still wanted to fix things. We were going to be a family, and our child deserved a good one.

  I did this all wrong. I screwed this up so badly and my mistakes have cost me so much; yet, I keep making them.

  My heart is pounding against my chest as it seems to take forever for the elevator to reach the top floor of the hotel. Struggling to remember which door is theirs, I hear a shout come from the middle one. The voice sounds like a man’s, and it’s growing in volume, but I can’t make out the words he’s yelling.

  Fearful it’s Cammy he’s yelling at, I bang my fist against the door a number of times before it whips open, bringing me face to face with Casper.

  Taking a long look at him, I see sweat beading across his forehead, his collar is unbuttoned, with his tie hanging to the side. His hair is everywhere in post hair-gel chunks. His face is red, and his fists are fucking bloody. So help me God, if he did anything to hurt either of my girls, I will kill him right here, right now.

  Being slightly larger than him and having at least fifty pounds on the bastard, I shove him out of the way, pinning him against the wall inside the hotel room. The door closes behind us, and with my hand clamped around his collar and my knuckles pressing up against his chin, I look around the room, looking for Cammy and Ever. “Where are they?” I seethe, while locking my focus on a hole in the wall.

  “How the fuck should I know?” he belts out. “This is all your fault. You know that, you blue-collared dirt-bag.”

  Since it seems that the girls aren’t here, and he just called me a blue-collared dirt bag, I loosen my grip and laugh a little before introducing my fist to his already crooked nose. “Dick,” I tell him. He recoils from the blow and presses his fingers up to his nose like a puss. “Need a tissue?” I ask.

  “She came here for you. She came here because of fucking you. She’s staying here for your sorry ass, so you don’t have to leave your stupid-ass family behind.”

  “Unless you want my fist to be the tissue that wipes the blood from your nose, don’t you even think about my family. And God help you if you touched either of them.”

  “Whatever, man, take her. Keep her. I was fucking cheating on her, anyway. But no, I’m not dumb enough to hurt either of them. She’s a lawyer.”

  “Yeah, you are dumb enough,” I tell him. Regardless of the shit spewing out of his mouth, I find it hard to believe Cammy would have dragged him all the way here with intentions of telling him to take a hike and go home without her, so if he’s cheating on her, he did hurt her, even if it wasn’t physically. “I’m sure Cammy asked you to stay,” I say, grudgingly.

  “We both know that’s not what Cameron really wants,” he mutters.

  “Whether that’s what she wants or not, I don’t know, but after hearing your confession, I’ll make sure she knows not to want a fucking thing to do with you.”

  His teeth grit together, and he clenches his fists at his sides. What a loser.

  Knowing the girls aren’t in the hotel room, I don’t intend to waste another minute here with this asshole ghost.

  Off to the right, I see a box of tissues on top of the coffee table. I grab them and whip the whole thing at him. “Ghost, you look like someone beat the shit out of you. Man up.” Leaving with a smirk, I slam the door behind me and tip off the front desk that there was some raging party upstairs, leaving behind damage in his hotel room.

  While sliding back into the truck, I ponder where I might find them. Cammy has no family here now, and I doubt she would go to Mom and Dad’s this late at night.

  Driving through the center of town where we had lunch earlier today, I see a scattering of people walking out of the small movie theater. There’s a larger group of people on the opposite side of the street where there is a musician playing in the gazebo. This town is really small, so I’m hopeful that I might spot them, but in truth, they could be anywhere, which is why I’m so damn lucky to see Ever looking toward me from the crowd of people watching the violinist. Cammy has her arm wrapped around her shoulders, and she has her other arm folded over her chest as if she were cold.

  I find a parking spot on the side of the road and hop out, running across the street toward them. Ever hasn’t told Cammy she sees me. She just smiles as I come closer. I slip my jacket off, feeling the coolness of the night strike all of my nerves at once. It’s more than a little cool—the bite of winter is in the air.

  When I place my jacket over Cammy’s shoulders, she instantly startles and turns around to face me. Her eyes are stained with a red tinge, dark enough to see under the dim park lights. Salty marks from her tears line the center of her cheeks and I don’t need to ask what happened, because I already know. “You look like you need a hug,” I tell her.

  A small laugh escapes her lips. “I’d say after the scene at lunch today, you may be the one who needs a hug.” She has no idea how badly I need a fucking hug right now. I want to pretend like half of today didn’t happen.

  “Were you two always this lame?” Ever interrupts, rolling her eyes, but holding onto her smile at the same time.

  “Always,” I tell her.

  I wrap my arms around Cammy and pull her into my chest, feeling the coldness escape her body against mine. I rest my chin on the top of her head and squeeze her tightly, feeling my throat tighten and my stomach flutter. Instantly, old memories wash over me like a warm spring downpour. Holding her feels just like it used to; it’s as if no time has passed. I forgot how flawlessly she always fit in my arms, our height difference making us like two perfect pieces of a puzzle. Cammy’s head rests against my chest, and her fingertips press into my back. Ever is snarling at us, and I snarl back at her. She looks a little surprised to see my reaction to her disapproval, but I won’t put up with her little attitude…mostly because she definitely gets that attitude from me. Giving it up, she steps in front of us, putting her back to our friendly display of affection. Affection. I know this isn’t right, but at the same time, it’s so damn right, and it’s exactly what I need after everything that has gone down today.

  “I tried so hard to stop thinking about you,” Cammy whispers. “It took me years to get you out of my mind.”

  “Why didn’t you ever come back for me then?” I ask her, knowing I would have happily run after her anywhere if she would only let me, but she wouldn’t answer my calls, and I eventually had to take the hint—the very blatant hint.

  “I did,” she sighs. “Three times actually.”

  “What?” I ask, pulling away and turning her toward me so I can look her in the eyes. “What are you talking about?”

  “Each time I came back here, I went to your parents’ house first and asked what you were up to. Each time they told me you were in a relationship or married, and I begged them not to tell you I had stopped by. I didn’t want to show up in your life if you were already happy.” I want to be angry with Mom and Dad, but how can I be when I never let them know how hurt I had been over Cammy’s disappearance from my life?

  “Happy?” I ask.

  “I figured if you were in a relationship, you must have been happy,” she backs up her argument.

  I can’t help the small chuckle that rumbles through my throat. “Cam, I’ve never actually been happy to the par of happiness I felt when I was with you, which is ridiculous since we were so young.”

  She looks down between us. “It’s not ridiculous,” she mutters. “I have always felt the same way. When Ever showed up at my door, the second thought to run through my mind was that I finally had an excuse to see you, and possibly interrupt the happiness I thought you were
living with. It was selfish but—”

  “It wasn’t selfish. I can’t tell you how happy I am that you interrupted what you thought was my happiness.” She pulls back into me and replaces her head where I want it to be.

  “Casper doesn’t want this,” she says quietly. “This wasn’t part of his plan.”

  “I know. I just came from your hotel room. Has he ever hurt you?”

  Cammy releases her arms from around me and crosses them back over her chest as she creates space between us. “No, he’s never hurt me, physically.” Meaning he’s just a plain old asshole, I assume.

  “I know it’s late, and I don’t know what time a thirteen-year-old’s bedtime is supposed to be, but where were you planning on spending the night?”

  “Um,” she sighs, wrapping a strand of hair behind her ear. “Honestly, I hadn’t figured it out yet. Not a great start to motherhood, I suppose.”

  “You’re doing just fine,” I tell her.

  “I don’t know about that,” she sighs through a smile.

  “Ever, this woman is pretty insane.” My attention is pulled over to the violinist who is seriously killing it. I’ve never heard a violinist perform like this before. She’s playing modern music but with a very unique twist. Ever is entranced by her. “You know this woman?”

  “That’s Lindsey Stirling,” she tells me without taking her eyes off of her. “She’s like the most talented violinist I’ve ever heard.”

  “She’s a big deal?” I ask.

  “Yeah, kinda. It’s kind of crazy that she’s playing here of all places. It’s such a small place.” Who would have thought I would have a cultured daughter? That part is all Cammy.

  I place my hand on Ever’s shoulder and watch her while she watches the violinist. I notice that the musician and Ever seem to have a similar taste in clothes. If this is the current fashion, I must have missed out on this trend alert. I’ve only had a teenager for a day and already I feel old.

  The three of us stand in silence, and I watch the happiness on Ever’s face for the next thirty-five minutes until the violinist ends her performance. The woman publicly thanks her friend for inviting her to this perfect little town and introducing her to Connecticut. I suppose that explains why a popular musician would be playing here of all places. Usually, our biggest excitement is when the high school band plays here.

  “So ladies, I think we should find you a place to stay tonight. What do you think?” I ask as we walk toward the street.

  “Where is your wife?” Ever asks me.

  I unintentionally clear my throat, trying to find a way to avoid the question, while also realizing I can’t. I should technically be with Cammy—I mean, Tori, right now. She’s admitting herself to the hospital again, and I’m not sure what the protocol is for that. I know I should care more than I do right now, but I’m exhausted from caring. “AJ?” Cammy follows up Ever’s question. “Are you okay?”

  I press my lips together and shake my head. “I don’t know,” I tell them.

  “Which part?” Cammy asks.

  “I know where she is, and I don’t know if I’m okay.”

  “I’m so sorry. I’ve been so consumed with my own issues, I didn’t even consider asking you how things ended up after lunch today,” Cammy says.

  “She seems kind of sad—or maybe it was just the blank look on her face,” Ever chimes in. Her words hit me hard. Was it that obvious that she wasn’t okay? All I know is, she’s more unstable than I ever realized. The truths of her past are haunting my mind, and I don’t know what to do about it.

  “It’s a long story,” I tell them.

  Cammy is looking at the side of my face while we continue to walk but I keep my gaze set ahead. “There’s a hotel just down the street. I’m sure we can find a room for you there. Let me just grab something from my truck.”

  Neither of them argue as we make our way down the few blocks. It’s a smaller hotel, not a franchise like Cammy’s apparently become accustomed to, but all of the rooms are suites so it should be decent enough. I should know. I stayed here for a couple of weeks when Hunter was going through a rough patch, and I was sort of homeless, thanks to my last awesome relationship.

  “You don’t have much stuff with you, do you?” I ask, noting their two small bags.

  “Things were getting a little out of control with Casper earlier, and I just needed to get us out of there quickly. I wasn’t thinking too far ahead at that moment,” Cammy says. I’m biting my tongue, preventing myself from saying what I want to say about this dick. “We have things for tonight, though.”

  “He’s probably taken the car too; I assume?” I ask.

  “Yup,” Cammy says. “We’re on our own for a bit.”

  “We’ll be okay,” Ever says. “I’ve basically been living on my own these past few years. My parents were never home, and my nanny was an alcoholic who forgot to do pretty much everything.” This breaks me. Who would adopt a child and then turn to a nanny to do all of the heavy lifting?

  I’ve tried so hard to move on from the past, wanting to overcome the regret and shame I feel all of the time, but every time I get a little closer to blocking out the blame, it all comes rushing back. I want to tell Ever that we should never have let her go, but it wouldn’t settle well with Cammy, considering she was forced into the decision. I just wish Ever knew the truth.

  We check into the hotel and I lead them upstairs, unsure of where to go myself. Going home doesn’t feel right without Gavin, and I don’t want to barge back into Hunter’s house since I’d end up waking the kids. Maybe I’m just trying to come up with excuses to stay here tonight, which would be very wrong.

  We open the room up, finding a large main room and a decent-sized adjacent bedroom with two beds.

  I make my way over to the small table in the corner and place down the little white box I’ve been saving all day. “Ever, I’ve waited thirteen long years to do this with you, and honestly, even right this second, I can’t believe this moment is actually happening.” She looks a bit confused so I open the box, and take the candle and lighter out of my back pocket. I plop the candle into the center of the cupcake and light it. “Okay, make a wish, Ever.”

  She looks at me like I’m ridiculous, but I smile and tell her, “Do it. Wishes do come true. Trust me.”

  Ever closes her eyes, and I put my arm around her and Cammy places her arm over mine. I glance at Cammy and the tears in her eyes as Ever blows out the candle. “Happy birthday, Ever,” she says.

  As a moment for the books subsides, we split the cupcake in thirds, each of us having the few bites in silence. It’s like we all understand the greatness of this and there are no words important or adequate enough to fill the blank space.

  After a few more quiet minutes, I see the exhaustion growing across Ever’s face. “You should probably get some sleep,” I tell her.

  She walks up to me, and I’m unsure about the look on her face but the question is answered as she wraps her arms around my neck. “I know this day has sucked balls for you guys, but it’s been the best day of my life.” She releases her arms and leaves me winded as she closes herself into the bedroom. I feel like I’ve been punched in the chest or revived from a state of shock. Hearing those words instantly makes me realize I don’t think I will ever hear anything better for the rest of my life. I’ve dreamt of hearing my daughter say that—the dreams I’ve had of a faceless little girl who doesn’t know me but tells me she misses me. Today seems too far away from reality to have happened, but it did.

  Cammy plops down onto the couch and kicks her heels off before pulling her knees into her chest. “What am I going to do?”

  I sit down beside her and place my hand on her knee. “Whatever your heart is telling you to do.”

  She tilts her head to look at me. “My heart is speechless for the first time in a long time.”

  “Yeah, I hear ya there.”

  “What happened with Tori?” she presse
s.

  Now I’m the one leaning back into the couch. “I don’t know where to begin, Cam. Let’s just say she’s in the midst of admitting herself to the psych ward of the hospital. Again.”

  “What?” she snaps upright. “Because of lunch?”

  I laugh cynically. “No, that was just the tip of the iceberg.”

  “Well, where’s your son—Gavin?”

  “With Hunter for the night. I—ah—needed to find you after the way things ended this afternoon.”

  “Why aren’t you with Tori right now?” She doesn’t look at me when she asks this question.

  I press my fingers into my temples and close my eyes. Without searching too hard for the perfect answer, the words, “I’ve been slowly falling out of love with a woman I’m not sure I was ever truly in love with,” come flying out of my mouth. “I used to care too much; now I’m having trouble caring at all. She’s been emotionally detached and distant for months. Over time, I’ve been broken down and stripped of my emotions when it comes to her.”

  It’s the first time I’ve admitted that out loud, and even to myself.

  “Surely, you still care about her, though?” Cammy presses.

  “I care,” I tell her. “I cared enough to call an ambulance when I thought she was going to end her life again tonight. But, I need a break. I know it sounds terrible and monstrous, but Cam, there’s only so much I can take. I’ve been the only care provider since Gavin was born, and I mean that affectionately and tangibly. I’ve tried to keep Tori mentally stable, while also making sure Gavin grows up happy, and unaware of her demons. After everything that happened with her today, though, I’ve had enough.”

  She shakes her head unsurely. “Was she like that when you met her?”

  “No. She didn’t want kids. Gavin happened, and I wasn’t about to give him up, no matter how strongly her aversion to kids was. I forced him on her—and a switch flipped the moment he was born.”

  Cammy turns her entire body toward me. “It was like that when Casper found out about Ever,” she says with understanding and a bit of comradery. “But…that’s different. She isn’t his. How can a mother feel that way about her own son?”