A Missing Heart Read online

  “Harold!” she scolds. “Why would you assume something like that? I’m sure whatever it is can be worked out.” If only it were that easy.

  “Look, I never wanted to worry you about Tori but yes, she left me, but not without reason,” I begin.

  “Because of Cameron and—I don’t understand,” Mom says, clearly flustered.

  “Cameron isn’t to blame. The timing was bad, yes, but Tori’s in a hospital right now. She’s um—she’s been unhappy for a while, and it’s not good. Evidently, she doesn’t want me around anymore.”

  “Can we cheer her up somehow?” Mom asks innocently. “Maybe she has a slight bout of depression or postpartum depression. It’s so common.”

  “She’s tried to…end her life twice, Mom.” As if it wasn’t bad enough witnessing these attempts, the horrifying expression on Mom’s face isn’t helping.

  “I had no idea things were that bad,” she says quietly. “I’m sorry you’ve been going through this with her. I’m sorry she’s been suffering so dearly. I wish there was something I could do.”

  “The only thing anyone can do for her is let her go. She blames me. What can I do after hearing that?” I ask, feeling my heart wrench with pain once again. How could I cause someone so much pain?

  “Well, what about Gavin?” Mom asks. The look within her eyes is pure panic. “Will you have to figure out custody. Is it that serious. Are you going to get a divorce?” Mom’s questions and flying and I know it’s out of concern, but I don’t have much to respond with. “Maybe couples counseling or something like that can help you both. I mean, divorce doesn’t have to be the final answer.” It’s like she isn’t hearing me correctly, or maybe she doesn’t want to accept it. Mom prefers to wear rose-colored glasses, and sometimes I wish I could see life the way she does.

  “She doesn’t want to be around Gavin either. She blames him too.”

  I haven’t seen Mom’s nostrils flare in a long time. It only happens when she’s angry or upset to the point of breaking down. “He’s just a baby. Maybe you misunderstood her, AJ. That can’t be right. I know Tori has had a hard transition into motherhood, but I don’t think she would do that to Gavin. What mother could?”

  I swallow my pain and close my eyes to avoid the look in Mom’s. “I—I don’t have a better answer. I only know what Tori has made clear to me.”

  “I don’t understand,” Mom says, solemnly.

  I almost forgot Cammy and Ever were in the truck. “Mom, I know this is a lot right now, but can we put this discussion aside long enough to meet Ever? I need to put things with Tori on hold for the moment.” I exhale loudly, trying very hard to switch gears. God, this is hard. “Trust me, I didn’t plan for this all to happen at once. It’s more than my brain can even handle right now, and I’m just trying to take every moment as it comes.”

  “Ever?” Mom asks, calming herself down, it seems.

  “My daughter,” I reply.

  “That’s her name?” Mom says through a sob. “It’s—it’s the most beautiful name I could have imagined her having.”

  “Please, be easy. Ever is going through a lot of trauma right now, and she’s angry about it.”

  “Of course,” Mom says, perking up.

  “I get to meet her?” Olive pipes in, clapping her hands together. “Yay!”

  Oh my God. This is going to go horribly; I grumble to myself.

  I hand Gavin to Hunter and run back outside to grab the girls. “Coast is clear,” I say with a lighthearted chuckle to ease their nerves.

  Ever and Cammy follow me into the house, Ever standing nearly on my heels, hiding from everyone. “Mr. and Mrs. Cole, it’s nice to see you again,” Cammy says, leaning forward to give Mom a hug.

  Mom doesn’t want to let go of her, and I’m about ready to step in to save Cammy. I clear my throat to break up her sentimental embrace and lightly tug Ever out from behind me. I don’t know what my face looked like when I saw Ever for the first time when she was born or the first time this past week, but if my face looked anything like Mom’s, Dad’s, or Hunter’s, I’d probably cry while looking in the mirror. They all look surprised, but so happy. For the first time in my life, everyone is speechless, and I’m not sure what to say to break this ice. “My God,” Hunter says. “You look like your dad—I mean AJ.”

  “She has Cammy’s perfect little nose,” Mom says.

  “You got the Cole eyes,” Dad laughs. “Lucky girl.”

  Ever doesn’t say anything. I’m assuming she’s feeling pretty overwhelmed, as I would too. I actually don’t know how she’s kept it together as well as she has this week. I wonder when she found out she was adopted and how that went. I haven’t asked that. There’s so much I haven’t asked, and I feel like I’m running out of time.

  “You are absolutely, breathtakingly beautiful,” Mom adds in. “I knew if you two stayed together, you would someday have a beautiful child. I just didn’t know it had already happened.” Mom’s choking up again and I get it. I’ve dropped an atom bomb on every person I love this week.

  “You don’t want AJ going with you to Pennsylvania?” Dad asks, not caring that this isn’t his business. He’s never cared to keep out of my business, though, so this doesn’t come as a surprise.

  Cammy seems uncomfortable as she sits down in the closest chair, crossing one leg over the other. “I’m going to have to do the adoption process myself right now. I never had AJ down as a birth parent because of the circumstances we were in, in addition to the fact that my dad was on a hunt for the boy who got me pregnant. It may complicate things if AJ comes.”

  Why is this just coming out now? “What are you saying? Even after all is said and done and we win our—your rights back, she still won’t be considered my daughter?” She is my fucking daughter. Jesus, look at her!

  “Honestly, I don’t know how this is going to work,” Cammy says.

  “Aren’t you an attorney?” I ask, knowing the anger in my voice isn’t hidden at the moment.

  “Yes, but for real-estate, not adoption.” Didn’t even know there was a difference. “AJ, I want you to be her legal guardian too, but you’re married right now and not to me, so I don’t know what this process is going to be like. I don’t know how eager the court will be to give parental rights to a couple who aren’t even together. It may be easier if it’s just me at first.”

  Ever looks lost in this conversation, and if it weren’t for her sitting here, I’d probably leave the house, needing to scream loudly enough to make the pain in my chest stop.

  Olive stands up from one of the corner chairs and walks up to Ever. “Want to go see their garden outside? It’s pretty awesome.” Olive looks toward the kitchen. “Lana, let’s go outside with Ever!”

  “Yeah, okay,” Ever says, following Olive out front with Lana in toe.

  “We’re cousins now,” Olive says as the door closes behind them.

  Silence fills the room, while we all stare at the door that just closed, all of us probably processing the innocent conversation Olive just shared with Ever.

  “She’s right,” Mom says, interrupting the silence. “Cammy, that’s very smart to think that way.”

  “Great,” I mutter. “What about a DNA test or something?”

  “AJ, that’s part of it, and we’ll handle that when the time comes, but in the meantime, think about the complexity of this case,” Cammy says through a loud sigh, clearly getting aggravated.

  “You want to get her back, and it’s probably simpler to do that without a custody hearing involved on top of it,” Hunter says. Custody? Right. I’m married to Tori, not Cammy.

  Why is everyone against me?

  “Why did you even show up here, then?” I ask Cammy. “To tease me?”

  I know my words are probably knifing her in the heart, but for the life of me, I can’t understand why she’d come all the way out here to show me our daughter and then take her away days later. “I told you my reasons,” she re
torts. “How could you question that, AJ?”

  Cammy stands up and looks out the front window, probably for Ever. “It was very nice to see you all again,” she says sweetly. “I’m sure we’ll see you again soon.”

  Cammy walks out of the house, leaving me here with three sets of eyes boring into me. “This isn’t all about you this time, AJ,” Dad says. “If I were you, I’d take this time to figure out your shit with Tori. Then I’d figure out your shit with Cammy, because I think we all saw the way you looked at her the other day when you found her in our family room. Maybe, if all things align, everything just might work out exactly the way you probably always wanted it to.”

  It all sounds so easy, yet it feels like this is the end of the world.

  Without another word left to say, I take Gavin from Hunter and leave the house, following after Cammy and Ever. “Please take us to the car rental shop,” Cammy says. “If you don’t want to, I’m sure Hunter or your Dad can take us.”

  I close my eyes and rub my hand up the side of my cheek. “I’ll take you,” I grumble.

  Halfway there, Cammy finally breaks the silence. “I came here to find you because I wanted to. Because I want you to be a part of your daughter’s life. I didn’t come here to destroy your life, your marriage, or your relationship with your family. Yet, that seems to be all I’ve done.”

  “First, please don’t blame yourself for my marriage. I told you that had nothing to do with you. Second, you’re not doing much better right now,” I tell her. “Your fiancé is back in D.C., remember?”

  “I don’t care,” she says. “He was cheating on me, AJ. He just thought I was dumb enough that he could pull the wool over my eyes.”

  “You knew?” I ask her.

  “Did you know? Because it sort of sounds like you do?” she replies.

  “He said it in rage the other day but I didn’t want to use that as a secret weapon to make you fall for me. I didn’t want to manipulate you into being interested in me, and I also didn’t think it was my business.”

  “AJ, you never cease to amaze me,” she says. I don’t know what she means by that, but it doesn’t feel good.

  She may not care about Casper leaving her in the dust, but I can’t say I don’t care about all of the damage I caused this week. I care about forcing my wife into a hospital. I care that I should have ended things with Tori a year ago when I knew I was no good for her. “For your information, I care about everything that has happened this week, and I definitely know I don’t want to lose you two after just getting you back in my life.”

  “AJ, listen, please. I’m not going to tell you what to do, but figure out your life here and once you do, there will be opportunities to explore more options for the three of us.”

  “Like what?” I know what I want the answer to be, but I’m in no position to be considering a future with anyone before I legally close the last chapter in my life.

  “I still love you, AJ. Remember our plans about running away together?”

  “The thought of that has run through my head almost every day since we made those plans,” I say, gripping my fists tighter around the steering wheel.

  “This story isn’t over. We just need to clear a path before we start off-roading.” I’m the off-roader and she’s the navigator. Always has been.

  “Off-roading is meant for uncharted paths, Cammy.”

  “Not this one.” Maybe that’s where I’ve always gone wrong. My shortcuts have led me into brick walls of disaster. Maybe the long winding road that takes twice as long to travel is the better option after all.

  Ever still hasn’t said a word when we hop out of the truck at the car rental shop, but she wraps her arms around me, pressing her head into my chest. “I know you’re my dad,” she says. “I’ve wanted to know you since I was eight.” She shrugs at her own words. “I know it doesn’t mean much right now, but thanks for fighting for me. No one has ever fought for me before.” I have fought for you, Ever. I have fought for you since the day you were born.

  Ever grabs her lone bag out of the truck and gives Gavin a small kiss on the cheek. “See you, bro. Don’t worry, I’ll teach you everything you need to know on how to irritate our dad.” Not much makes me cry, but that may be the best thing I’ve ever heard. Tears are threatening to erupt from the corners of my eyes and if Cammy comes one step closer, I’m going to be a goner.

  Sure enough, though, Cammy steps close to me. Her arms reach up, and her hands splay across my face. “Look at me,” she says.

  That did it. Tears are pouring from my eyes, making it hard for me to look at her through the blur. “Do what’s best for you and Gavin. Regardless of who has rights over who, Ever will always be your daughter—our daughter. The legal crap is just that—leave it to me, okay?”

  “What about us, Cam?”

  She looks down at my hand and brings it between us. “I want you to make decisions based on you. Even if you don’t have much say in the decision, pretend like there wasn’t something else better waiting for you after the decision has been made. Grieve for what is and what won’t be. Heal. And when it’s all said and done, if you’re on your own, maybe someday we can pick up where we left off thirteen years ago.”

  “By that tree swing behind the occupied farmhouse?” I ask, trying to laugh a bit.

  “That’s awfully specific, don’t you think?” she asks, matching my laughter.

  “Maybe to you,” I tell her.

  Cammy presses up on her toes and places a kiss on my cheek. “I’ll keep you in the loop of everything going on. I promise.”

  She slides her hand off my face and smiles before leaning into the truck. She smooths the back of her hand over Gavin’s cheek. “And you, little man, if you need anything at all, I’m here for you. Keep your daddy in line for a little while, okay?”

  I suck at goodbyes. I suck at pauses. I suck at watching people I love walk away from me, because this is the second time I’ve had to watch this woman walk away. This is the second time I’ve had to watch my daughter being taken from me, and it hurts like it’s the first time all over again.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  SEVEN MONTHS LATER

  “OKAY, BUDDY. I’LL be back to get you in a few hours. Give me the biggest hug ever.” Dropping Gavin off at daycare every day for the past four months has been really difficult. I haven’t quite gotten used to it yet, but he has.

  Hunter somehow managed to take Olive with him to work every day for five years, but Olive and Gavin are two completely different children. From the second Gavin took off walking, he hasn’t stopped since. He looks for trouble. Olive was an observer; that made things much easier for Hunter.

  “He’s going to be just fine!” Tanya, the daycare provider reassures me. “We’re going to do lots of fun things today, right Gavin?” she says as she scoops him up and props him on her hip. She’s told me many times that she has a soft spot for Gavin. Maybe she tells all of the parents that, but it makes me feel like Gavin is in good hands here.

  “Love you, buddy!” I say, walking out the door.

  I arrive at work on time, which has been happening for four months now, surprisingly. I guess I was spending a lot of time and energy on helping Tori cope, in addition to taking care of Gavin. I’ve even been more productive at work, and we’ve been getting higher-end jobs, which is nothing to complain about. “Dude, we just nailed a huge project. You won’t even believe it until you see it,” Hunter says.

  “No shit,” I tell him. “When do we start?”

  “Next Monday,” he says, kneeling back down with his hammer. “Any word on the case?”

  I scratch my head and struggle to inhale enough air to keep my lungs moving at an even pace. “Yeah, they’re doing a home visit today, I guess. Cammy’s freaking out about it.”

  “Knowing Cammy, I’m sure it’ll go very smoothly,” Hunter assures me. “What happens after that?”

  “Ever has to declare her statement to the
judge.”

  “Isn’t she kind of young for that?” he asks, hammering at the end of his question.

  “Any kid over the age of twelve is required to be questioned. It’s for their safety.”

  “And once that’s done?” Hunter continues.

  “She’s Cammy’s.”

  “God, they really dragged this process out. I’m just glad it’s moving along again.” You’re telling me. These months have been dragging slower than I ever could have imagined. Cammy had to get an apartment out in Philadelphia so she could provide a suitable home for Ever. They’ve let Ever stay with Cammy for the past three months, as long as she agrees to check-ins and counseling. I feel left out. “I’m sorry, bro. I know the clock is ticking, and this seems like it’s taking forever,” Hunter says, moving across the room on his knees.

  “Yeah. I’m just on edge, waiting for good news today. We’ll see.”

  “Anything from Tori?” Work days all start with a therapy session with Hunter. I know he cares, but he’s now so slowly turning into Mom, who likes to involve herself in everyone’s business.

  “Not since I received the divorce papers last month.”

  “Unbelievable,” he sighs.

  “I’ve tried calling her but her number doesn’t work or something.”

  It’s not even the part about having a second failed marriage that bothers me the most, it’s the part that I tried really hard to make something broken work for so long. It was all for nothing.

  “I hate to say this, bro, I do, but you and Gavin might be better off. If she has issues this serious to figure out, it’s best to do so without a baby and husband in tow.” I know he’s right but none of this feels right. I can’t help but take the blame. Every bit of it. “Things are going work out for you, you know? It will.”

  Like I do every day, I push it all to the back of my mind and focus on getting the job done. If there’s anything I’ve realized in the last year, it’s that I can’t control anything. It’s not even worth trying.

  “Dude, your phone’s ringing,” Hunter shouts over my drill.